Emotional Isolation?
This is complicated. I don't know if I'm crazy for how I feel.
Okay. I almost always have a great relationship with my mom. She is the most important person in my life and I appreciate her a lot for everything she has done for me.
But there's off times. Obviously. Times where we fight or disagree. Like humans do.
There's times, however, where I do something that seems to tick her off. I tick her off to the point where she stops talking to me entirely.
It feels awful. Most of the times she's done this, I don't even know what got her so riled up in the first place.
And when I say she stops talking to me, I don't mean a few hours, I mean a few days. It's like I don't exist in anyway unless it's out of an obligation.
It almost feels isolating. Those days, I barely talk at all unless I know I'm 100% alone with my thoughts. I have a brother and while we used to talk a lot and do a lot together, our views are so far different now that it feels like I can't (unless my mom bridges that gap).
I don't have a father or other siblings so it gets really lonely. You know that phrase that's like "not alone but lonely"? That's me during these times.
I feel like the lack of directness kills me inside. It feels so awful because I feel stupid and pathetic for not understanding why she's so upset at me.
Then again, why do I have to cater to the whims of a nearly 48 year old woman? Is it instilled in me from a young age? To feel the need to apologize for something that I didn't necessarily need to.
I wondered if this is a form of emotional abuse, but I'm not sure. I don't want to discredit actual cases and examples of emotional abuse so I haven't thought about it more than what the definition is on the surface. In any case, I feel like I should just... know! I feel like I need to know how to understand her feelings. Feelings that she doesn't share herself.
It's so impossible.
I used to cave and apologize to her. For what? I didn't know 75% of the time. However, as I've gotten older, I've honestly just stop trying to apologize. I mean, if it gets remedied in a few days, I can just pretend nothing happened.
Even if I still feel like this deep down inside of my heart.
Maybe I need to grow up. Stop letting my emotions get to me. Become Ayanokoji (I'm joking... 98% joking).
It's hard to navigate a situation that has no leads.
anyways, check out my niche MCYT duo (Purpled & Boosfer) above. I hope they interact more ... ok bye